


"there you are overflowing / here i am pleading for a droplet"

by inarizakillme, moonstarkeiji



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Overthinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:20:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27300106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inarizakillme/pseuds/inarizakillme, https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonstarkeiji/pseuds/moonstarkeiji
Summary: Akaashi Keiji, for once, wants.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	"there you are overflowing / here i am pleading for a droplet"

**Author's Note:**

> Day 2: "was i ever enough?"

"Listen, Keiji, I know you're upset."

"Upset? Who says I'm upset? 

Akaashi is fuming, he’s seated on the edge of the hotel bed inside the room he had booked for himself and Bokuto. And Bokuto is spewing stupid excuses from the entryway. Akaashi didn’t want to get mad, not when he’d been looking forward to meeting Bokuto after a long time. Sure, he could have waited for a bit longer, but he _is_ Bokuto’s boyfriend, so why does he have to. He’s been waiting for hours; two and a half to be exact, since he first checked in. While Bokuto had said that he was going to an izakaya after their match to celebrate their win and would join Akaashi as soon as he could. Akaashi wasn’t dumb, he knew post win celebrations were important for team bonding and all that jazz, he knows that better than anyone, but he thought his boyfriend would have the decency to put him first once in a while. He was hoping Bokuto could have joined him sooner and his crankiness had been dialed up to the maximum from his travel fatigue. 

“Would it have killed you to come sooner. I told you I checked in almost three hours ago.”

“Keiji that’s not fair. Y’know the celebrations are important too,” Bokuto pouts. 

“Is it more important than me?” Akaashi spits out those words furiously.

“That’s not what I’m saying Jiiiii~” 

“You’re always like this Koutaro.”

“Let’s not fight,” Bokuto says, as he walks nearer to his black haired lover, “Not tonight, please.”

**xxx**

Akaashi doesn’t want to argue. Frankly, he’s tired. But he has repeated himself way too many times, why doesn’t Bokuto listen? It's Friday evening and he just got back from work, a rare occurrence where he arrives home before 9PM and the first thing that greets him is a pile of unfolded laundry, smack dab in the middle of their living room floor. He looks over to the kitchen to see a pile of dishes in the sink and sighs, at least there’s dinner for him on the table. He tries not to focus on the mess around the apartment and goes to nudge a half asleep Bokuto perched on the sofa.

“Kou, can you tidy up a bit while I shower?”

“Hmm I’ll do it tomorrow” Bokuto response still groggy from his nap

“Please Kou? You know I get a headache if it's too messy. And you said you’d help clean since yesterday.”

It’s not like Akaashi likes to nag but he likes the space he shares with Bokuto to at least be a place he can relax. But right now, the mess Bokuto has left in his wake is anything but giving him peace. He always finds himself telling off Bokuto about how they should clean and how often they should do it. Scrubbing the toilet, wiping the kitchen, throwing the trash, everything has been listed in a neat little schedule. Even if it’s only the both of them living there, he had hoped the schedule would at least guilt Bokuto in doing his share of housework. 

It’s like clockwork, Akaashi gets mad at Bokuto, Bokuto promises to do his share, Bokuto doesn’t do his share, they argue, Akaashi lets it go and Bokuto does it again. A cursed cycle.

**xxx**

Bokuto was never one to remember dates. Initially, it didn't really bother Akaashi, it’s something he was well aware of before they even started dating. During school it was even endearing to write down important dates in Bokuto’s little planner book, a small act to show he cared for his ace.

But now, older, more cynical and swamped with work, Akaashi is cranky that Bokuto still hasn’t wished him a happy birthday. They’re spending it apart this year and Akaashi has been glancing at his phone all day for a text. Even a short one will do, he sighs internally. Most times, Akaashi doesn’t really mind these things but lately work has started being too stressful and all he wants is to be babied and cherished, on his birthday no less.

Bokuto’s phone call comes at 8PM, just as Akaashi got out of the shower. 

“Keiji, I’m so sorry! I didn’t notice the date and when I realised it’s already night time. I’m sooooo sorry Keiji. And we’re not together this yearrrr,” Bokuto whines loudly through the phone, “Let me spoil you okay? Just call whichever takeout restaurant you want and I’ll pay for it all. Get yourself dessert too. I love youuuuu Keijiiiiii~”

Akaashi couldn’t help the smile from forming on his lips. “I thought you wouldn’t call Kou. I was a little worried. And yes, I’d love dessert.” 

Truthfully, Akaashi sometimes wonders if he should just unlock his boyfriend’s phone and put the reminders there himself. This time Bokuto has it in him to forget their fourth anniversary. Bokuto chalks it up to him being busy. Akashi decides not to make a fuss, choosing to enjoy the time they do get to spend together. It’s not that Akaashi couldn’t set the reminders for Bokuto, but he feels if it’s important to Bokuto shouldn’t he be the one to make an effort and sets it himself since he easily forgets.

Frustrated and on the verge of overthinking again, Akaashi calls Kenma to consult him. Two days later and the two introverts are huddled together in a cosy cafe, talking as soon as they place their cups of coffee on the table. 

“Kenma, is it really that bad? I mean he could honestly just be too busy. I don't want to get in his way.”

“Akaashi, you guys have been together for how long? Four years right?” Akaashi nods. “I mean I understand if he forgets some date once or twice but your four year anniversary? Maybe some people will think it’s a petty issue, but it matters to you right, Akaashi? Then, it’s a big deal.”

Akaashi wraps his hands around the cup of mocha in his hands, threatening to fiddle them together. He’s getting anxious, and it’s showing.

“As a friend who’s seen you two for a while, I feel like he doesn’t cherish you enough. Kuroo remembers the tiniest shit and celebrates the smallest thing. Don’t think your feelings aren’t valid. You should really talk this out with Bokuto.”

Akaashi hears exactly what he expected to hear from Kenma. He’s grateful his friend isn’t tired of listening and giving advice to him.

**xxx**

Akaashi loves any and every physical contact he can get with Bokuto. He relishes the feeling of skin on skin, of resting his head on bokuto’s chest and shoulder. Bokuto is also someone who enjoys being physical.

And this becomes a problem for Akaashi. As with everything else, he initially has no problem with Bokuto being all touchy feely with the people in his life. But as their relationship strains, Akaashi finds that he really does mind and couldn’t help himself from being possessive. Whenever Bokuto hugs someone a bit longer and tighter than usual, Akaashi has to hide his glare. 

When he brings it up with Bokuto, the latter assures him that there’s nothing to worry about. He also tells Akaashi that it’s just how he is and it’s not like he’s doing it on purpose.

“Can’t you at least try to tone it down, Kou? For my sake.”

“I told you this is just how I am. Stop being so worried, you know I love you and only you.”

Akaashi’s jealousy reaches a new peak one sunny day as they both find themselves in their local supermarket for a grocery run. As they browse through the snack aisle, someone taps Bokuto on the shoulder. 

“Woah!” Bokuto exclaims and they pull each other into a tight hug. The stranger grins in the embrace. “Didn’t expect to see you here, Haruto!” 

Akaashi eyes this Haruto person up and down with a polite smile, as polite as he could muster. This stranger, well Haruto, is hot as fuck Akaashi notes. His hair is jet black and slicked back, showing off his single drop earring on one pierced ear. He’s also wearing jeans that are way too tight to be allowed in public. He’s about as tall as Bokuto although much more lean. His outfit is stylish enough to make Akaashi look down at his casual t-shirt and khaki shorts. At least Akaashi wasn’t wearing his sock and Birkenstock combo today. 

Now why is Bokuto talking to this literal sex on legs, Akaashi wonders after a while. Bokuto is happily chatting away as if he’s forgotten Akaashi’s existence. He feigns a cough.

“Oh yeah Haruto, this is Akaashi, my boyfriend!”

“Ooooh boyfriend huh. Well Akaashi-kun,” Haruto purrs, “take care of Bo now.” he finishes with a dramatic wink. With that he says goodbye to the both of them, putting his hand on Bokuto’s shoulder before walking away. 

_Bo._

“Who was that Kou?” 

“Oh just an old friend” 

“You sure about that?” Akaashi put his hands on his back, starting to fiddle them together.

“Well~ we kinda had a fling a few years back. It was nothing serious I promise! This was way before we got together Keiji!”

“Ah. I see.”

On some nights, alone with his thoughts, Akaashi overthinks that Bokuto is out there feeling other people up. He knows it’s wrong to be so distrustful and he hates these thoughts. They make him nauseous. All he wants is to believe that he’s the only one in Bokuto’s eyes. Despite his fears, Bokuto is not disloyal but his lack of reassurance when he really needs it makes Akaashi spiral.

**xxx**

Bokuto is amazing at what he does. When he’s on the court, he shines brighter than anyone else. His achievements are boasted about and Akaashi is more than proud of what he’s accomplished, knowing how hard he works for them. He goes to his games as often as possible in his tight schedule, cheering him on and buying merchandise even though Bokuto keeps telling him he could get it for free, but this is all in the name of support.

Bit by bit, he realises, Bokuto doesn’t reciprocate the same. Sure, he understands that his white haired lover has zero to none knowledge on poetry, he wasn’t expecting Bokuto to magically understand metaphors and alliterations in one night, but it’d be great if he gives a drop of support for Akaashi.

Instead, he ignores them all.

Akaashi used to stress about a poetry competition a few months back, it was one of the biggest competitions in the country and he used hours upon hours reading references and creating drafts to create a single poem. It was important to him, getting acknowledgement for his poetry skills. This is his big chance to prove he’s good enough for the big games.

And all his efforts and sleepless nights produced fruitful results as Akaashi won the grand prize. His name was published in news and articles, his mother crying of happiness as she knew this was a big deal to him. He was overjoyed, and went back home to share the good news to his lover.

Bokuto was in the middle of a game when Akaashi arrived home, gleefully showing his prize and certificate. Bokuto absent-mindedly congratulates him, gives him a peck on the cheek and continues his game. Akaashi, standing next to him in disbelief, scoffed.

“Are you not gonna celebrate me? Or take a look at my prizes, or at least bat an eye on the poem I wrote?”

Bokuto, distracted by his game, nodded. “Sure Keiji, I’ll do that later.”

A fresh swell of anger rose in Akaashi, mixed with frustration and annoyance because he’s had enough of those words, he dropped everything he was holding to the floor, causing a loud noise that startled Bokuto. Bokuto pauses his game, and turns to Akaashi, eyes widened.

“What’s wrong Ji?”

“What’s wrong? You’re kidding me? I just came back home and you’re busy with your game, not even an ounce of thought to actually look at me.” Akaashi feels so angry, fighting back the tears in his eyes.

“Okay okay, I’m looking at you right now. What do you want from me, Ji?”

At the moment Akaashi really felt like he could burst out his anger, but tried his utmost best to suppress it. How is this person in front of him so _dense_? Instead, he tried to be cool, and asked him instead.

“Why don’t you read the things I write?”

“I can’t find the time. I told you, I’d be happy to listen to you read them to me.”

“But you’re not even trying to find the time? It’s just short poems Bo. I’m not asking too much, am I? Do you even care?” Tears started to pool in his eyes.

“Akaashi don’t take it that way, you know I don’t understand anything about poems, those cursive big words are hard for me to digest.”

“You can always ask _me_. Damn it, Bo, whatever, forget about it.”

**xxx**

“I’m sorry okay, please, let’s not fight. Let’s celebrate, this is supposed to be a celebratory night.”

Akaashi feels a flash of irritation when he hears those words. _Sorry_. He starts to think about the many times Bokuto has apologised, and anger flooded his veins. Their house, important dates, physical touches, he apologised for all of them. It starts to dawn on him that maybe he never meant these apologises. Maybe he was, but he felt it wasn’t necessary to change.

He held on, even when he was at his limit, he believes that everytime Bokuto apologises, it would eventually make him change, if not now maybe later, hopeful that Akaashi’s love for him would push him enough to make him to. 

Akaashi puts up his hands, quivering with fury. He’s had enough of this.

“No, listen to me, Koutarou I am angry at you.”

“What? Why, because I was late? From celebrating with _my_ teammates? I am going to spend the next few days with you Ji, and you’re angry at me cause I’m no-”

“Shut up, Kou.” Bokuto’s eyes gaped, Akaashi never spoke to him that way, “I am sick and tired of your half-assed apologies and pretending nothing ever happened. This is not the first time you’re doing this to me, and as a matter of fact, I can say with the highest confidence you’re going to repeat this again.”

“I have absolutely no idea what you’re on about. I thought this was just ‘cause I’m late.”

“This has everything to do with you being late, Kou. Because you don’t _care_. You give no fucks about what I feel, as if my feelings are nothing but a playtoy for you to meddle with.”

Bokuto gasps, “I have never thought of you that way!”

“Say that to my face again, I dare you.” Akaashi fists his hands by his side, glaring into those bright gold eyes he loved so much, “I gave you so many chances, countless times, for you to change. I wanted you to think about me for once, to actually do what I want out of this relationship. I wanted you to think about my petty hygiene preferences, about my boring passion, about crucial things that makes me feel loved like dates, support, boundaries… damn it but you didn’t do shit!” 

He realises his eyes are swimming with tears, he’s not holding back anything anymore. He looks at Bokuto, who’s stunned to silence. 

“Keiji… I-”

“Am I not enough for you? Am I not important to you? Do I not deserve a piece of your attention, or your love, or at least an ounce of respect to me?”

Bokuto finds himself unable to say anything to respond to Akaashi. He’s finally seeing that Akaashi looks so tired of him. He notices the way his eyes are looking at him with disgust, no sight of love, pure disgust, like he’s sick of it all. Bokuto bites his bottom lip, trying to find whatever words he can to console him, but his mind is blank under those glossy eyes.

“I thought so.”

“Wait-”

“I’ve had enough. I’m tired. I just want to sleep.” 

Akaashi gets on the bed and faces away from Bokuto, who’s still unable to move. They don’t even hug that night and Bokuto’s goodnight wish falls on deaf ears. Bokuto chooses to look at the ceiling, afraid he doesn’t even deserve to look at Akaashi’s back. The distance between them felt like an uncrossable canyon. 

Bokuto can’t sleep. He lies awake thinking and when he feels drowsy his body jolts him awake and he checks if Akaashi is still there. Afraid that if he sleeps, Akaashi will leave him in the night. 

It’s only a little past sunrise when Akaashi stirs awake. He stretches his arms, avoiding Bokuto on the other side of the bed as the latter pretends to sleep. Once he feels Akaashi leaving the bed, he opens his eyes and gets up at the same time. He gives Akaashi space and doesn’t talk to him as the half awake man goes to wash his face and use the bathroom as Bokuto waits patiently on the bed.

He’s had hours to think about everything Akaashi has said but the truth is his head had been spinning all night. He’d been trying to find the right words to say but he could come up with nothing. He was slapped with the cold truth, and he’s stuck there, unable to find ways to correct his mistake. While in his own head, Akaashi comes out from the bathroom.

“Keiji-”

“Koutaro. I want to break up.” Akaashi cuts him off. Bokuto’s jaw drops, unable to comprehend what his lover just said.

“Wha… Keiji wait.” 

“No. I can't hear you apologise anymore. It’s been years and years of tolerating and compromising for you. I’ve done so much for you, and I would do anything, I would give you everything you desire, dammit I gave you my flesh and bones if it meant that it’s for you, but what have I got in return? I’ve received so little. Your cup is overflowing with my love, and I'm all dried up, Kou, pleading for a droplet of yours or whatever I could salvage. I know I can’t beg for love. But is it so wrong, that for once, I want someone to be afraid of losing me too?”

“Please keiji. Give me another chance” Bokuto pleads, terror overtook his face as Akaashi grabs his things and zips his luggage close.

“I’ll do better this time, I swear”

“I’ve waited for you to do better. Gave you more chances than I think you deserve. I can't get hurt anymore, Kou.” Akaashi manages to choke out, not even turning to look at him.

The tears fall freely down Bokuto’s face as he grabs onto Akaashi’s wrist, his voice cracking yet lost for words. Akaashi’s own tears pool in his eyes as he averts his gaze. He can’t bear to look at Bokuto. He’s afraid he won't be able to let go if he does. And he knows he has to.

“Im sorry Bokuto”. The sting from Akaashi not calling him Koutaro pierces his heart. 

“Keiji…..”

Akaashi makes his way to the door, tears streaming down his face, fist clenched until it leaves marks on his palms. After one last futile tug, Bokuto lets him go. He knows it’s no use anymore. He knows he’s lost the one person who loved him the most and he was too stupid to see it. 

Bokuto crumples on the hotel room floor and cries his heart out. He’s on his knees, clutching his side, wailing at the four walls around him. He’s too weak to even go after Akaashi.

Akaashi runs another block before his feet give out and he too scrumples on the side of the road. He’s clutching his face, forcing himself to stop crying. As he tries to catch his breath, Akaashi tells himself that it’s for the best even though it feels like death. Sobbing on the sidewalk, he tries his best to push the images of Koutarou from his mind and heart.

He knows he’s more than enough, and Bokuto did not deserve it.

_~ epilogue ~_

It’s Konoha who picks up Akaashi after receiving a garbled phone call from his kouhai. And around the same time, it’s Kuroo who finds Bokuto still on the hotel room floor. He had rushed over after getting a text message with nothing but a GPS location and room number from Bokuto.

**Author's Note:**

> Bokuaka is too romantic and soulmate-y in canon, we’d like to see them suffer once in a while :D 
> 
> come cry over angst with us on twitter! [ hani's twitter ](https://twitter.com/moonstarkeiji) and [ bun's twitter ](https://twitter.com/inarizakillme)
> 
> drop us a follow if you'd like to because we'll be posting a new story every day for Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 :)
> 
> kudos and comments appreciated hehe <3


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